The Presidential Olympics: A Totally True Story

With the disastrous turnout of the first presidential debate on Sept. 29, the next few will be delivered in a different fashion. Since the voters of America are unhappy with the candidates interrupting one another and ineffcient moderators, they decided to switch it up. Instead of incorporating mute buttons they have decided to host the First Annual Presidential Olympics. 

On this momentous day, viewers all over the nation will be watching President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden partake in a plethora of activities. "I can only attend this event if there is strict social distancing and masks are worn" said rule-follower President Trump. Since the moderators cannot control the ferocious debaters, Chris Wallace will be replaced. There will be a panel of live audience members who will hold up scorecards in livetime to show who is ahead instead of having a panelist. (P.S. These panelists have totally not been bribed by Iran and Russia into gives Trump perfect scores).

Now without further ado...

Welcome to the First Annual Presidential Olympics.

The first category, rather the first event, of the night will be political paintball. First, both nominees will play paintball. The candidates will be required to wear white shirts and white pants, so the paint markers are obvious. They will have three “lives,” and the first one to get tagged with a paintball three times will be eliminated, giving their opponent a point. Any time you get tagged you have to relinquish a part of your debate time to ensure that it is fair at all times. And for those of you at home keeping track, try and tally up how many times the candidate say "China"!

The second event of the night will be Presidential karaoke. The live audience will be given a poll with four songs to choose from, “Peace Sells,” “God Save the Queen,” “Won’t Get Fooled Again” and “Born in the U.S.A.” The microphone will be thoroughly disinfected with hand santizer and candidates will be asked to drink sanitizer in front of the audience to ensure that they don't have COVID-19. Also, the audience will vote on Twitter since neither candidate has ever used it so it will be sure to be unbiased.   The winner will then receive a gold star in their favor.

The third event will be a “Yo Mama so Biased” joke competition. Biden and Trump have five jokes each to sting their rival with. The results of the aspect of this counter will be decided over Twitter polling (once again to ensure an unbiased vote). The contestants must have three out of five of the best jokes in order to win a point. No making jokes about the candidate's sons (this shouldn't have to be announced).

The next event will be a cook-off between the candidates. Gordon Ramsay will be the judge of this event, and Trump and Biden must make their best rendition of Beef Wellington. The candidates have three hours to complete their recipes, and the better outcome will be awarded a point. Trump said that he can't get too close to it because he might get the "China Beef Virus" and Biden sadly fell asleep waiting for the oven to preheat. Gordon Ramsay voted for himself.

The fifth and final objective for Trump and Biden to complete will be a race through a bouncy house. The two candidates must maneuver through the inflated monstrosity in order to reach the finish line. The bouncy house was originally only red and blue but our President said that it should have black and white too. You know how he is, being the "least racist person in the room." Along the way, there will be ladders and rope swings to climb and the candidate stumbling their way out of the exit first will be crowned the winner of the event and will be awarded the point.

After the five events are completed, Trump and Biden will be brought to the top of the “Rocky” stairs in Philadelphia. The candidate with the most points will be declared the winner of the debate process. There is no political or financial gain, just the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. But before crowning the winner both candidates have to turn in paperwork proving their identity. Oh no!! Looks like Trump isn't allowed to show any receipts of his identity because his lawyers didn't let him but we can totally just take his word for it. He never lies or spreads fake news, he's the president after all!

The winner of this first annual Presidential Olympics will be awarded a face mask with “first-time Olympic champion” written in red, white and blue. But you CANNOT wear it over your nose because it will stop your respiratory system. The Presidential Olympics will take the politics out of politics and will leave no room for debate over who is the superior candidate. Trump and Biden will have to show their mettle in the field of competition, instead of berating each other with nasty insults.

Thanks for tuning in to the First Presidential Olympics and we can't wait for the final panelists votes on Twitter to be published. Don't forget to like, share, and retweet to spread the news.

Thanks for being here on Storytime with Sejal and I hope you enjoyed my very obvious satirical piece on the 2nd Presidential Debate.